It's Easier
by Kime Tara
Summary: Tifa POV - How much did it cost her to always stay cheerful?


**It's Easier**

By Kimetara

POV

Disclaimer: Poem owned by me.  Tifa and FFVII not.

10-8-XXXX

_It's easier to be cheerful_

_And pretend it's all okay_

_Than cry with no one seeing_

_It's easier to laugh it off_

_To smile throughout the day_

_Than hurt with no one feeling_

_It's easier...it's easier to hide_

_Than face rejection_

_It's easier to weep inside_

_Than be pushed away_

_It's easier..._

_It's easier, but it hurts all the same_

_It's easier, but I wish somebody could see_

_It's easier, it's easier_

_But maybe it's still too much_

_The blank looks on your faces_

_The false interest and sudden turning aside_

_Hurts more than keeping it hidden_

_The silent pleading to be heard_

_Only to fall on ignorant ears_

_Causes more pain than slowly fading away_

_And it's easier..._

_It's easier to act strong_

_Like nothing ever gets you down_

_It's easier to say_

_"Oh it's alright"_

_"I'm always okay"_

_Oh, it's easier, it's easier..._

_But maybe it's still too much_

_Maybe it hurts more than I admit_

_Maybe I ignore it because of my choices..._

_Should I bear it inside_

_Have it slowly eat away_

_Or reveal it to light_

_And be shot down immediately?_

_Well it's easier_

_It's easier to take the pain in small doses_

_It's easier than having it all rush over you_

_It's easier, but it still hurts_

_And maybe it's still too much_

_It's easier, _

_It's easier,_

_But I think it's still too much..._

          I finished penning the last line of my poem, and set the pencil down.

          Odd.  Lately I'd taken to writing poetry.  Not real poetry, of course, I simply wasn't blessed with that talent, but the sort that let you get things out.

          I always left it vague enough so that if anybody found it, no fingers would be pointed.  It didn't matter.  _I_ knew what I was writing about.

          Did you know...today was the anniversary of the day we found Cloud in Mideel?

          Yep.  One year ago, there he sat, a vegetable in a wheelchair.

          But I don't want to get into that...

          I overreacted, didn't I?  I practically gave up on the mission, I know.  I know...

          But God.  Even with Cloud gone, even then, there was no sympathy for me...only comments about how strong I had to be, how I was the leader, how Cloud was gone and I needed to keep my mine on the journey.  Especially Barret.  I've known Barret for a good...what...4 years now?  But I swear, if I hadn't been so depressed, I would have slapped him for those remarks.  I know I was supposed to be strong!  I know I had grown too dependent on Cloud!  I knew it, I knew it all, I didn't need to be lectured on it!

          ...but you know what?

          I don't think it was all for Cloud.  A good part of it was, but...

          For the longest time, I've been searching, half-hesitantly, for an excuse.

          An excuse to let it all out.  A good reason to allow all the anger and fear and hurt I kept inside to reveal themselves.  Cloud's disappearance was that opening.

          Weak, selfish little Tifa...

          Ah well.  I heard somewhere all of us humans are weak, selfish creatures.  Now there's a depressing thought, don't you agree?

          Goodness, I ought to try having a conversation with Vincent.  Let's see which one of us can out-melancholy philosophize the other.  The idea brings a slight smile to my lips.

          I'm always doing that.  Cheering myself up.  I don't even mean to, and sometimes I don't want to, oddly enough.  But I do it anyway.

          Probably because nobody else cares enough to do so.

          Red...Nanaki might.  He might.  But he's so young...even though he acts older, even though he _is_ older, his understanding's still that of a 17 year old.  He doesn't know.  It'd be pointless to try to talk to him, because he wouldn't understand.

          Maybe I really should have that conversation with Vincent...  I'm not kidding this time.  I think he'd be the only one that's capable of listening and understanding.  Of course, he'll probably end up just staring at me quietly and offering some odd riddle of advice when I'm done.  Or maybe he'll start getting depressed about his own problems...

          Vincent has too many troubles of his own.  I don't feel right, burdening him with mine.  And they would be a burden, I know him.  He cares for all of us, even if he hides it.  He'd take my burden upon himself.  And I can't do that.

          ...I can't talk to anybody...

          Reeve or Cid?  I hardly know them.  Yuffie?  The thought alone is amusing.  I mean, if I can't talk to Red about it, do I really think Yuffie would understand?

          Nanaki, Nanaki.  I always slip.

          Barret?  He means well, but he'd probably end up just looking at me completely blank.  And then I'd trail off, feeling stupid for bringing it up...

          ...Cloud...

           Hah.  Maybe if I knew where he was.  No, even if I did, I wouldn't mention it to him.  I'm always brave, happy Tifa.  I couldn't bear to disappoint him like that.

          I doubt he'd listen anyway.  He never did...

          You know what I think?  I think people refuse to listen to your problems because they don't want to have to share theirs.  Strange, stupid even maybe, but I guess it's that whole unspoken "you tell me something, I tell you something" obligation going on...

          Cloud never wanted to reveal anything the least bit personal about himself.  It always drew me crazy.  He wouldn't ever listen to me either.  God, that hurt...

          I guess that's just how it goes, huh?  I shouldn't dwell on it anymore, but I can't help it.  It always comes back to me...  I'm just too sensitive.

          Maybe it I was less sensitive, I wouldn't hurt so much.  But then, I wouldn't be able to tell when others were hurting, would I?

          I don't want to give that up.

          A blessing and a curse, sensitivity is...

          I don't feel like getting up today.  I think I'll just stay in bed.  

          The sun's warm outside, but it can't touch me in here...

AN: *sigh*  Tired...  Anyway...this is Tifa, in her room, lying in bed with her diary.  There's no coupling intended, but you can take it as you may.  I believe that's all the background info needed...  Please R&R


End file.
